New, 5 minute movie reviews!

Family Guy: Stewie the Untold Story - Yes, this movie leaked onto the internet 2 months early, and I will admit to being privileged to a special advance screening which I will talk no more about. Anyway, the film starts out with multiple subplots none of which are all that important. Eventually, a main plot of Stewie searching for someone he believes is his "real father" is created and the film continues there, with occasional tangents to involve the other members of the family. If you were looking for humor reminiscent of the first two seasons of the show, you will probably be disappointed by this movie. While the current (fourth) season is not unfunny, it just doesn't have the same charm and humor as the first two seasons: these episodes seem to rely more on repeated jokes and cameos from past episodes. This film, does the same, however, it also has pointless cursing, at times it seems as if they're dropping the F-bomb solely to show that they can do it uncensored now. While the movie does have some incredibly funny jokes, it seems to just drag on after a while. It feels like they took the humor from a 25 minute episode, ran it through a taffy puller, and even though I am a man who loves his taffy, it just felt needlessly long and dragged on at points.

Bad News Bears - Through out history there have been some truly tragic events such as the genocide in Rwanda, the massacre in My Lai, Saved by the Bell: The College Years, and the Holocaust. I have read about and seen pictures of these horrible phenomenons, yet, eventually there has always been something to renew my faith in humanity. After watching this film, however, I felt like I had truly killed part of myself that I would never get back. It was as if I took a large chunk of what is "good" about people, molded it into a tiny, innocent puppy, left it on an island, let loose on the island with a hail of nuclear bombs and massive amounts of napalm, then when it was over, swam out to piss on the ashes. I should have trusted my first instincts and left 10 minutes into the movie, however, I am a masochist and stayed. Billy Bob Thornton once again plays himself in this movie, a dirty old drunken asshole, and is teamed up with a group of some of the worst child actors ever that I wouldn't mind running over in a semi while they were playing in a pile of leaves at the side of the road. I hate this movie with every fiber of my being and don't feel like writing anymore about it.

The Island - Michael Bay released another movie, this time with Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor. The movie, however, feels very similar to other sci-fi movies, such as Logan's Run, and apparently ripped off from another film, which you can read all about here: http://seattletimes.nwsourc...islandripoff.html. The film is fairly pleasing visually, and has plenty of people getting hit with blunt objects which made me laugh in the same way Final Destination 2 had me rolling on the ground at each death. Again, this felt to me like another movie that was trying to hit too many things at once, action, science-fiction, and a little bit of drama with some thoughts about ethics thrown in as well. On the Michael Bay scale I would throw this up there just below The Rock, however, in the end, it's a Michael Bay film and nothing that really got me excited. It might be worth seeing as this is possibly the last Michael Bay film we will see in the theaters for a while, hopefully, as the film had a budget of over $120 million and raked in just over $12 million opening weekend.

March Of The Penguins - If you like penguins, you will love this movie. If you do not like penguins, you will not like this movie. While watching the movie I felt like I was 5 years old again and seeing some of these animals for the first time and they are just as entertaining now as they were then. The truth is, I love penguins, so I loved this film. If I ever had enough money, I would raise a giant army of penguins and we would frolick around in the snow all day. Err...back the review. I felt like I was at home watching an extended documentary about penguins on an Animal Planet show, I didn't find the love story to be as compelling as many people did. The cinematography was excellent, especially considering the conditions the film was shot in, and some of the scenes, especially the first march of the penguins, are absolutely incredible. There were scenes, however, where you were left with nothing to look at besides two penguins standing next to each other doing nothing but touching beaks. I understand it's supposed to show love, I understand it's supposed to be romantic, however, I got just as fidgety after minutes of watching many similar shots as I would watching multiple shots of human couples standing around hugging. In the end, however, there were some hilarious moments and beautiful scenes and frankly, my desire to give a penguin a giant hug has never been stronger.

Hide And Seek - Oh good, Dakota Fanning is in this , I sure can't get enough of her. Anyway, De Niro plays a pyschologist who's wife kills herself so of course he decides the best thing for himself and his daughter (Fanning) who, by the way, is mentally unstable and visits a child psychologist (Famke Janssen), is to seclude themselves out in a house in the middle of a forest. Once they move, De Niro gets upset she's not making real friends out in the middle of bumfuck and she just plays with her imaginary friend Charlie. From there, De Niro starts trying to hook up with the recently divorced neighbor, which causes strange messages on the bathroom walls and creepy events. The movie ends up with what has, by now, become an extremely predictable, uninteresting, and cliche ending.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - I'm pretty sure everyone knows the story, but just in case you don't I'll give a quick rundown. Charlie Bucket (Freddie Highmore) is a young boy who lives with his parents Mr. Bucket (Noah Taylor) and Mrs. Bucket (Helena Bonham Carter). Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp) is an eccentric recluse that lives inside of his monsterous chocolate factory. Mr. Wonka decides to hold a contest in which he hides 5 golden tickets inside of his chocolate bars that allow the finder and one guest to tour the factory, along with the added incentive that one person will win a special surprise. Charlie ends up finding one of these tickets after a brief series of events and tours the factory. Charlie takes along Grandpa Joe (David Kelly) and upon arriving at the factory the day of the tour they meet Veruca Salt (Julia Winter), Violet Beauregarde (Annasophia Robb), Augustus Gloomp (Philip Wiegratz), Mike Teavee (Jordan Fry), as well as their parents. The film then follows the group on their tour through the wacky factory.

As for my review, well...


I originally thought of leaving my review as that image pretty much says everything that came to mind during the film. I then realized that wasn't fully fair and should write a real review, well, at least as real a review as I ever do.

When this film was originally announced, I was mighty excited, but still had reservations, mainly because any remakes from my childhood generally end with me in tears. Then I heard that Tim Burton was slated to direct it and eventually Johnny Depp was announced to play Willy Wonka. When I heard that announcement, I got an erection that would've put Ron Jeremy to shame. My excitment became hysteria and my expectations shot through the roof. I've found at least some sort of entertainment and enjoyment in everything I've seen of Burton's and Johnny Depp has earned my seal of approval in spades. I began to fantasize about what kind of nightmarish and dark twist Burton could throw at this story.

As the movie drew closer and I began to see different promo shots from the film, my excitement began dying. As I started reading the first of the reviews, my excitement started getting kicked directly in the balls. I have not read the story in ages, and it's pretty much a blur in my head, but the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory remains pretty crystal clear due to the multiple viewings, it's one of those films you always turn on if it's on TV regardless of how many times you've already seen it. I then read that John August wrote the screenplay for this updated version, you may know him as the writer behind such films as Titan A.E., Charlie's Angels, and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, and began to have fears about what kind of sappy family garbage might spew out of this man. As I entered the theater, I had mixed emotions, was really praying that the few reviews I read were in the minority, and that this film would shine.

The film began and immediately you can tell it is a Burton film as the credit sequence is done in a similar style to Batman and Beetlejuice. Through out the film there are other nods to past Burton films, such as the brand of toothpaste Mr. Bucket caps off is called "Smilex," if you don't get the connection I suggest you watch the film Batman from 1989, and the bikes the Oompa Loompas ride look suspiciously like the bike Peewee Herman loses in Peewee's Big Adventure. The entire collection of Buckets are crafted as extremely likeable people that happen to just have had a run of terrible luck. Charlie is quickly characterized as a sharing, gentle, genuinely good person, Mr. Bucket is a hard-working man who cares about his family above all else, and Mrs. Bucket is a sweet mother that only wants the best for Charlie. All four of the grandparents are bed-ridden, however, they all turn out to be great people with Charlie's best interest at heart. I really like the way all the characters were crafted, Helena Bonham Carter is a personal favorite of mine, always excellent, and she didn't disappoint me in the least, Noah Taylor was equally as great at gaining the audience's sympathy, however, he's not nearly as nice to look at or watch as HBC is. The four spoiled, naughty kids were quickly crafted as caricatures that were easy to despise. Up to that point I generally enjoyed the way the characters were portrayed, until Willy Wonka appeared. Gene Wilder created an eccentric but loveable old man that seemed to take delight in annoying little kids getting their comeuppance and had a somewhat dark presence surrounding him in the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Burton and Depp's spin on Willy Wonka seems to have sprung forth from watching Michael Jackson these last few years, as he even has a similar haircut, similar voice, and his face appears to be molded into shape by multiple botched plastic surgeries. All this tended to give me a creeping suspicion they wanted him to have pedophilic aura surrounding him. He's portrayed as a nut job Freud would have a field day with, that seems to have the mind of a child with the body of an adult that takes delight in giving naughty children a gentle slap on the wrist. Basically, he gets annoying and unfunny fairly quick with his little quips like "Let's boogie" and "You're really weird!" that you've probably seen in the trailers and commercials. Also, in this film, the audience gets a firmer understanding of the background of the Oompa Loompas complete with their meeting and hiring by Mr. Wonka as well as a new set of updated songs. In the end, I have to say, the casting was incredibly well-done and the acting was equally as noteworthy.

As the film began, I promised myself I would not compare this film to the classic that is now a solid part of my childhood that I felt should never have been remade or messed with, regardless of how much it varied from the original Dahl story. I also promised not to compare it to the book even though this film had the support of Felicity Dahl, Roald's wife. Immediately, however, I realized that would be unavoidable because as the film opened, I felt that a lot of charm of the original film was lost by the use of CGI to create such a incredible landscapes and effects.

Willy Wonka's entrance was bland compared to the original entrance, rather than a prankster he now just appeared as an easily exciteable child. The film then continues, and much of it seems to be just Burton's vision of the way the original was shot, using a bigger budget as well as multiple CGI effects that aren't all that spectacular. One thing that is sure to piss off fans of the original is the boat ride through the pyschadelic tunnel. Rather than setting the tone for rest of the tour as somewhat sinister and dark, this boat ride is just a fun boat ride down what looks like a waterslide with a few flashing lights. From there you basically watch the original movie except with Burton's idea of what each set should look like, or at least, that is, until the end.

Besides ruining the mystique of the Oompa Loompas by giving them a simple backstory of how they met Mr. Wonka and changing their songs into pop-hits that sound like they came from American Idol with lyrics that consist almost solely of the Oompa Loompas repeating the child's name, I believe one song is essentially an Oingo Boingo song with the lyrics changed, the story of Willy Wonka's childhood is shown. No longer is this an eccentric old man with a mysterious background, all the mystery is taken away and the audience is able to view brief anecdotes from his past shown in flashback form. In Batman Begins they make Bruce Wayne dressing up as a giant bat and fighting crime more believable and more realistic. The same thing happens in this film with Mr. Wonka and no longer is his history left up to the viewers' imagination.

The ending was the most sappy, contrived ending ever. While the original left the audience with a feeling of "Yay for Charlie!" when it was finally over and Charlie proved that he was the one that deserved the most to be on that tour and deserved winning the contest, this ending is pretty bland and anticlimactic. If you were hoping for a closer-to-the-book retelling of this story on the silver screen, prepare for an immense amount of disappointment.

For those of you that simply don't care, I will spoil the ending for you. Here. If you don't want to hear about this terrible, new, tacked on, sappy, stupid ending stop reading for a bit.

In the end of this film, rather than Mr. Wonka putting Charlie through a series of tests to see if he was deserving of the factory, he simply is given the factory because he is the only one left on the tour. As soon as Wonka realizes he's the only one left, they hop in his elevator and cruise to his house where Wonka gives him an ultimatum that he can either live alone in the factory and run it, or else stay with his family. Charlie chooses to stay with his family, Wonka's sales drop because he's sad, Charlie reunites Wonka with his father, and then Wonka becomes a part of Charlie's family and they end up moving their little shanty into the factory and living happily ever after in a partnership between Charlie and Wonka. It's absolutely terrible and completely full of fluff. I've never been so disappointed in all my life. The closest Charlie ever came to breaking the rules was at one point Wonka dips a ladel in the chocolate river and lets Charlie taste it. I kept waiting for something to come back and bite Charlie in the butt. Instead, Charlie never tasted any fizzy lifting drink or took an everlasting gobstopper or anything. Willy Wonka had no crazy office where he screamed the classic line of "Good day sir!" It just kind ended and tried really hard to have this heart-warming, loveable end that just fell flat and felt completely contrived and horrible.

Ok, I'm done spoiling! Fans of the original movie are in for an immense disappointment. Fans looking for a great rendition of the book done on film are in for a disappointment. Fans looking for some kind of humor besides goofy faces, tired old jokes, and gags like walking into a glass door (yes, this had a recurring gag of Depp walking into a glass door) should not see this film, in fact, you're probably better off seeing Rebound so you can at least laugh at how terrible it is. People going in with no expectations and nothing to compare it to (read: young children and teens) will most likely love it and I have no doubt that this film will do a great deal of business. Just remember, the kids that saw Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D as well as the kids that saw Garfield loved each of those.

After 45 minutes or an hour of this movie I found myself struggling to sit through the whole thing and had no problem taking a break to go to the bathroom while an Oompa Loompa song came on. There were seemingly pointless scenes that made me realize I felt like the film was just dragging on. I really felt glad that I didn't pay any money to see it, because, if I had, I would've demanded my money back and just gone and bought Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on DVD and watched that instead. Something I found slightly ironic was that, even though the 1971 film has Willy Wonka in its title, the film focuses much more on Charlie, and while this film has Charlie in the title, it focuses much more on Willy Wonka and his backstory.

Also, a quick quote I found pretty humorous was

"The movie starts off with another hacked out score from the Elfman 3000 Soundtrack Machine. If you liked his work in Beetlejuice, Batman, and Edward Scissorhands, you'll be thrilled to hear them blended together in this movie. "

In the end, however, as much disdain as it sounds like I have for this movie at the moment, I actually didn't completely despise it, in fact, I wouldn't even go so far as to say I disliked it. It was just kind of like hearing a Ramones song covered by a band like The Lillingtons (if you don't know who they are, they are a modern band that sound extremely similar to the Ramones) except with higher production values. It's certainly not bad, but it's nothing to get excited about. Perhaps upon a repeated viewing or two this film will grow on me, and I'm sure this will eventually end up on a shelf in my DVD rack along with other films created by the Burton and Depp duo. My hopes for Corpse Bride have risen immensely, however, after seeing HBC's performance in this and also, somewhat, Depp's.

I think a great part of my disappointment stems from my expectations this film would be much more dark, and it turned out to be much more whimsical and light-hearted. For new fans that have no nostalgia value attached to the name Willy Wonka or Roald Dahl they will undoubtedly love it and it will become a classic for a new generation, however, for past fans, be prepared for yet another new spin on the end of a classic tale.

As of now, I still feel that this stands as one of the most disappointing summers ever for movies.

(If parts of this review sound lifted, it's because I agree with essentially everything stated in the review over at http://www.retrocrush.com, which is also where that Elfman quote happens to come from.)

MY LAVA LAMP TOLD ME TO SHOOT THE NEIGHBORS (AND TO SMOKE POT, SIT AROUND)

While reading Mr. Majewski's about the Daily Grind Iron Man Challenge, I realized that I should make sure everyone is informed about two of possibly the greatest web comics ever created. The first comic has been around for a long, long time now and is absolutely brilliant. There have been many attempts to copy the absurdity and style of the comic, however, there is only one. And that comic is...Pokey The Penguin! The comic is based around Pokey and his friends getting into all sorts of misadventures while hanging out at the Arctic Circle. Here are a few to wet your appetite:
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index30.html
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index62.html
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index73.html
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index109.html
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index155.html
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index175.html
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index186.html
http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index288.html
My personal favorite: http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/archive/index354.html

http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/

Next up is a comic definitely not for everyone, it is Jerk City. Most jokes revolve around boners, being gay, fellatio, or occasional computer nerd humor. Basically, it's right up my alley. I set my homepage to it because there's nothing better than starting a day with T Deuce, Spigot, Pants and crew. Just give it a try, it's updated daily:
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2440.html
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2446.html
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2443.html
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2444.html
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2439.html
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2437.html
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2436.html
http://www.jerkcity.com/jerkcity2434.html

http://www.jerkcity.com

Most people I show these two don't find them funny and simply reply "That was stupid and a waste of time." To make up for that, I suggest you check out this flash animation: http://studenthome.nku.edu/~russelljo/flash/dudefalling.swf

Dark Water - The little yellow horror movie that could...

Dark Water (2005) - Dark Water is the story of Dahlia (Jennifer Connelly) and her daughter Ceci (Ariel Gade), pronounced "sess e," beginning their new life after a divorce. They move into an apartment complex that is falling apart because the rent is cheap and the location is excellent. Once making a speedy deal with the shady landlord, Mr. Murray (John C. Reilly), they move in. Immediately, bizarre things start happening, such as Ceci finding a Hello Kitty backpack on the roof even though there are no children in the building. Once the duo have moved in, strange leaks start appearing in the ceiling of their apartment and upon further investigation they are caused by odd occurrences in the currently unoccupied room "10F," the room above theirs. Eventually, Dahlia begins to break down due to these happenings while Ceci deals with her "imaginary" friend Natasha. The film then follows the two into their adventure of craziness.

The first hour of this movie should have been called Boy The Plumbing Above Us Sucks because that's basically all the film focused on. Leak after leak in the ceiling and Dahlia trying to get someone to fix them while Ceci sits around talking to herself. Is there some rumor floating around Hollywood that if you give your characters odd names that it makes them more likeable, more identifiable, and in general is just a better idea? Anyway, for the first hour there is no ghost haunting these two, no crazy murder plot against these two, no CGI cat up to wacky hijinks, just the daily lives of these females. You literally sit there thinking to yourself "Wow, this all could've been solved a long time ago if Dahlia wasn't a goddamn moron and would call her lawyer or maybe just a plumber." Instead, she continues to bitch and moan about her ceiling but never takes action to actually solve the problem.

Things finally start to pick up once Dahlia contacts a lawyer for her custody battle, Jeff Platzer (Tim Roth), who turns out to be the most likeable character in the movie. After the hour of repeated "dark water" puddles appearing and Veeck (Pete Postlethwaite), the grumpy, foreign handyman, mopping it up events, different subplots begin to unfold. The two rebellious teenage boys that live in the building begin to harass Dahlia making lewd comments to her, the audience discovers that Dahlia suffers from migraines and paranoid delusions, Natasha may not, in fact be imaginary, Mr. Platzer constantly lies to Dahlia about meetings with his family, and the family upstairs had a little girl, yet both adults moved out some time ago.

The film then finally starts to gain some steam as Natasha begins to make her presence known and in some cases becomes visible, however, she turns out not to be a terrorizing little demon girl or even creepy, she in fact just turns out to want a hug and some lovin'. The film then takes a quick turn towards an event that, well, let's just say, it was predictable and you'll find yourself saying "Oh hey, I saw this movie before, it was called The Ring." That event becomes completely pointless, however, and ends up having no impact on the storyline. The film then takes another random turn. Then once more, it takes another quick turn. I'm not giving these away since it's not even worth spoiling, but let me say that it seemed as if the writer had three different endings and couldn't decide which to go with, so instead of adding an "alternate endings" section on the DVD just tacked all of them on to the theatrical release. Hence the title of this review, I drew inspiration from The Little Engine That Could, it just kept on going and going, "I think I can I think I can" but it, in fact, couldn't. I found myself thinking that the movie was incredibly predictable and the few times I thought "Oh, here we go, now it might finally get good" it would just fall flat. Despite the fact the film continued for much longer than it should have, it never explained or wrapped up most of the subplots and events I stated above. The film ended up being another horror movie where it takes great self-restraint not to laugh or roll your eyes into the back of your skull.

I'm not sure why the creators of this film decided it would be a good move to underexpose the film and add a yellow overlay to the whole thing, perhaps they thought it added to the ambience and atmosphere surrounding the film, however, it just comes off as cheesy and bothersome through out the duration. The one decent thing about this film was the casting of Jennifer Connelly as a single mother as she is probably the only young actress out there currently that you could believe would be able to take care of a child. Connelly proves in this film that she is the absolute best at wearing average, every day clothes while still managing to look incredibly gorgeous. Good on you Mrs. Connelly.

When you leave a theater and the film you saw was supposed to scare people, however, even the young girls are saying "That wasn't very good," you feel like like you know you just wasted your time. When a movie is written as a horror movie and ends up trying to teach some lesson about motherhood and family, you feel like like you should've just sat home and watched that Geico commercial with Tony Little on repeat for an hour and a half. If you're thinking of spending $8.50 to see this film, head to Wal-Mart and buy The Naked Gun and an issue of "Playboy" and I guarantee you'll have spent your money much more wisely.

I went into this film having heard bad things about it, and therefore, I felt it belonged on the Brendan Fraser scale. I feel it has earned a solid rating of Blast From The Past/Bedazzled ( **** 1/2 )

For all you religious folk...

here is further proof from Hollywood that God does not exist.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455499/

The Brendan Fraser scale

While writing my review of Rebound I realized I didn't have a proper scale to judge bad movies on. I was trying to think of who would give me the best possible range to judge these films, and immediately the first name that came to mind was the king of high-class cinema, Brendan Fraser.

The scale follows a simple 1-10 rating system as follows:

10 Stars - Encino Man
09 Stars - The Mummy
08 Stars - Airheads
07 Stars - The Mummy Returns
06 Stars - The Scout
05 Stars - Blast From the Past
04 Stars - Bedazzled
03 Stars - Monkeybone
02 Stars - George of the Jungle
01 Stars - Dudley Do-Right

There is one inherent problem with this scale, however, and that is, that the top (10 stars) is an example of a movie that is just barely grazing the "bad movie" label. You are able to watch the movie, enjoy it, much of the humor is supposed to be present, essentially, you are laughing with the movie the way it was intended, rather than at the movie. As you progress down the skill, you start getting into films that aren't very enjoyable to watch but aren't so horrible they make easy targets to comment about or laugh at. Then you arrive at the bottom where the enjoyment factor begins to skyrocket right back up there because the films are so bad, that they're literally laughably bad. As you can see, this is a double-edged sword and every rating must be carefully thought out, and the reader must have a solid understanding of the scale, hence this guide. Think of the enjoyment factor on this scale, rather than a straight line, more of a V-shape where the tip on the left is Encino Man and the tip on the right Dudley Do-Right.

If you are still confused about the concept of "enjoying" a bad movie, do not despair, I will soon be posting my personal guide on what criteria to judge a bad movie on as well as how to enjoy one.

I hope you all now have a better understanding of the Brendan Fraser scale, and feel free to critique this system or share it with your friends.

Rebound!

This film had all the makings of an excellent movie: recurring gags, a lovable but bumbling sidekick, multiple puking jokes, outdated pop-culture jokes, children getting hit in the nuts by a basketball multiple times, wacky faces, BRECKIN MEYER!, a cliche love-story, multiple stars looking embarassed to be in the film, the rekindling of an actors flailing career, and above all else, 13 year old sluts.

Martin Lawrence has been in hiding since his career hit absolute rock-bottom when he found himself making films like National Security and Big Momma's House. He has returned to the big screen with the new smash-hit comedy the whole family can enjoy, Rebound.

In this film, Martin Lawrence plays Coach Roy, a cyborg created by the evil corporation "Smelters" bent on the destruction of all birds, that gets struck by lightning and becomes self-aware. After his first successful mission, humans discover his true identity and sentence him to a jailtime of one year in a maximum security facility with the duty of monitoring small gremlins hoping that he will be successfully brainwashed therefore allowing them to covertly integrate Roy back into society. At first, Coach Roy is reluctant about interacting with these gremlins for fear that they might discover his true identity and they might cut his battery line destroying his life. Quickly, Roy discovers that he must disembowel all the children and eat their spleens to gain their intellect and power. Roy changes his tune when he discovers that an attractive squid is one of the gremlin's parents and in a heart-melting scene discovers his inner-self, teaches children life-lessons that will make them the best person they can possibly be in life, and also teaches them how to play basketball. Unfortunately, as I stated, the scene is heart-melting and all the children die from the lack of any central muscle able to keep up their blood flow, and the film ends.

At least, that's how the film should have gone. Instead, the film used every bad joke, worthless montage, clicheed story line, awkward pause, and silly sound effect they could fit in. This is a prime example of a bad movie that I sat through, loved every minute of, and laughed outloud to myself multiple times (don't worry, I didn't bother anyone, I was the only person in the theater). Imagine The Big Green, or even better as a comparison The Mighty Ducks, but without any of the "good." Hopeless, underdog team gets a celebrity coach through a series of absurd events, and, you guessed it, becomes champs. It always thrills me to know that no matter how many games you lose at the beginning of a season while you're on a sports team, if you win the last couple games of the season you are given a free pass to the state competition and eventually make it to the championship because Jesus loves you.

If you enjoy movies such as Chilly Dogs, Dudley Do-Right, or Double Team, you're probably as big a fan of bad movies as I am and you should go see this. I look forward to one day being at the $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart and seeing multiple copies of this movie and laughing...then quickly sliding a copy of it under the The Naked Gun DVD I just picked up from the same bin and checking out as quietly and swiftly as possible.

On the Brendan Fraser scale I give it a rating of Monkeybone ( *** )

The first of many lists!

Top 5 songs off of soundtracks that have been stuck in my head for more than 2 weeks in the last few months:

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - Klaus Badelt - He's a Pirate
2. True Romance - Hans Zimmer - You're so Cool
3. The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou - Mark Mothersbaugh - Ping Island/Lighting Strike Rescue Op
4. American Beauty - Thomas Newman - Dead Already
5. CB4 - CB4 - Straight Outta Locash

Hopefully by writing this all these songs will stop running non-stop in my head by tomorrow morning.

Half Summer Review!

Instead of posting extended reviews for movies I've seen this summer, I figured I'd save myself some time and just do brief reviews to catch everyone up on the wonderful pieces this summer they may have missed.

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D - This film is an action packed adventure in 3-D which will leave audiences breathless. For anyone under the age of 5 they will enjoy the wonderful action scenes and blatant catering to the fact the film is using 3-D technology. To anyone above 5, they will be left in amazement that someone like Robert Rodriguez could direct something like Sin City and then create a heaping pile of shit such as this film. Someone needs to explain to Mr. Rodriguez that just because he creates something to entertain kids, he doesn't need to market it to mass audiences and make hordes of parents sit through this trash. The highlight of the film is Sharkboy singing a song to put Max to sleep, I recommend everyone see this segment so we can sign a petition asking Robbie "The Orson Welles of 3-D Cinema" Rodriguez to create a full length musical. I nominate this film for one of the worst titles in cinematic history.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - Laugh. Cry. Share the pants. Surprisingly, not nearly as awful as I thought it would be. This film revolves around four 16-17 year old friends who met while their mothers where pregnant with them, without further explanation of how they met once their mothers weren't in lamaze class or why they're still friends. What the hell was Alexis Bledel thinking? I guess she blew all her money from "Gilmour Girls" on hookers and blow because she looked ashamed to be in this film. She spent the majority of the film talking through her teeth which basically left me confused as to what she was saying the whole time, which probably was why I liked her scenes left, I didn't need to listen to the horrendous dialogue. Carmen is played by the latina slut from Lords of Dogtown. She spends all her time hating her father, hating the suburbs, and in general raging against whitey. Some 17 year old blonde girl played Bridget in the film. Bridget is some kind of nymphomaniac bent on humping her college age soccer coach even though the coach is off limits. Nearly all her scenes are her in skimpy clothing running around and trying to get in the guy's pants, which supported my idea that the director, Ken Kwapis, is a dirty old man that just wanted to film a bunch of young girls. They made the only actor that was under 18 into the sex object of the film, good work Ken! The girl from "Joan of Arcadia" plays the angsty, rebellious filmmaker Tibby. Tibby befriends a girl after hearing the girl piss herself and pass out in the store where she works. They then spend the majority of their time filming an Asian kid playing video games. Hooray for stereotypes. This film is a modern day retelling of the Wizard of Oz for teenyboppers, Lena is the lion who gets her courage, Bridget is the tin man who goes from being a slut to growing a heart, Carmen overcomes her fear of white people, and Tibby is Dorothy because that's all that is left.

Madagascar - Pretty funny animated film focused around four friends, Alex (Ben Stiller), Marty (Chris Rock), Melman (David Schwimmer), and Gloria (Jada Pinkett-Smith). The four friends try to bring Marty back to the zoo because on his birthday he decides to escape. They then engage in all sorts of wacky hijinks and the like. By far the most entertaining parts of this film are the scenes involving the four genius penguins and the scenes involving Julian (Ali G), the "robot king of the monkey things." David Schwimmer was perfectly cast since his character should've killed off immediately, much like he should have been in real life, however, it continues to live.

Mr. And Mrs. Smith - Two strangers meet, fall in love and get married without any real knowledge of the other. They end up being hitman and their next targets are each other. People bitched about Gigli because a real life celebrity couple (Ben Affleck and J.Lo) were in the film together and everyone was sick of them. Besides that, no one really likes Ben Affleck or J.Lo. Pile that on to complete shit writing, directing, and overall a horrible film and of course it's going to bomb. In this film, we have another current celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, however, this film is not Gigli. Brad Pitt is a pretty likeable guy, most girls find him one hunky stud and most guys find him pretty entertaining as a pimp daddy. No one really likes anything Angelina Jolie has done post-Hackers, but she's perdy to look at. Anyway, the scenes establishing these two as a bored married couple in the film actually feel somewhat natural, and have plenty of jokes for people to chuckle at. Then once all hell breaks loose, everyone action scene is incredibly entertaining since there hasn't been a good non-sci fi flick with two people getting into shoot outs with entire armies of people. So you've got the humor breaking up these incredibly ridiculous action scenes creating a film which I actually enjoyed quite a bit more than either of the Bourne flicks.

Batman Begins - I was thoroughly expecting to be let down by this film since I heard of it's inception. Then I heard Christian Bale was cast and started to gain some of my confidence back. Anyway, this film is one of the few prequels I've ever seen made that actually added to the story, gave general audiences more information, and more importantly, was...well, it was good. Liam Neeson is awesome regardless of how shitty a movie he's put in, but in this film you can tell he really enjoyed the role he landed. Michael Caine was great as Alfred. I always found Alfred to be a really interesting character and wished there was more regarding his connection with Bruce Wayne and the Wayne family in general, and finally in this film you get to see why he doesn't find it odd his master decides to build a giant fucking hole under the house and invest millions of dollars into armor and weapons. This film gives the filmgoer more insight into why Bruce Wayne decided becoming Batman was a good idea. I don't like Katie Holmes, but she was surprisingly tolerable in this movie. Cillian Murphy did a great job as well, but I wished there had been more of him. I really enjoyed the updated version of Gotham in this film, however, for me it took away from some of the really dark mood of the original film, but meh. If they can keep the same cast and crew on board for a few sequels I'd be a happy little clam.

Bewitched - Will Ferrell always walks a line between incredibly funny, incredibly annoying, and incredibly unfunny. In this film, he plunges head first into incredibly unfunny. Will Ferrell's films, regardless of plot or cast, always focus on his own brand of humor which is "Look at me, I'm Will Ferrell, I'm so zany!" which I admit I occasionally find pretty damn funny. In this film, however, he tries to be a real comedian and act, however, he's really, really uncharismatic, has horrible timing, and in general should've stuck to what worked. Nora Ephron should've stopped making films many, many moons ago. Nicole Kidman is in this movie. The film just dragged on until the last 15 minutes or so which made less sense to me than the end of Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie. The only part that made me actually chuckle in this film is the last 10 seconds because I knew it was almost over, and also the fact it was blatantly thrown into the film solely as a nod to fans of the original show "Bewitched."The only thing that kept me going through this movie was Bryan Goggins constantly make jokes about how Will Ferrell thought he was Jim Carrey and spouting Jim Carrey quotes. Probably the worst film I've seen since Little Black Book.

Herbie: Fully Loaded - Why would you remake this? Why would you keep the same car in the film so many years later? Why would you put Lindsay Lohan in this? Why wasn't there more Breckin Meyer in this film? He was so wonderful in Garfield! What the hell were you thinking Michael Keaton?! Questions that constantly floated through my mind but were never answered as I watched this film. Horrible CGI, terribly unfunny, and in general just a bad movie. Another example of a company cashing in on what is now thought of as a "classic." I did laugh at this article about Lindsay Lohan though.

Star Wars: Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith - I could go on and on for page after page about this film, but chances are you've seen the film and read other people's comments. I think all 3 of the people I linked over yonder on the right have written some posts about this. I'll say this, it was the best out of the recent 3, but that isn't saying much. The only point in the film I thought was pretty damn entertaining is when Anakin walked into the room full of children, whips out his lightsabre, then the film cuts away. Hayden Christensen is a whiny bitch who isn't nearly as likeable as a main character, was horrible at playing evil, cocky, powerful, or any of the things we see in the original Vader. Natalie Portman's role is essentially pointless, and the completely random little nods to the original set of characters made me roll my eyes. I still wish I could erase all knowledge and existence of these three from my memory.

The Perfect Man - I was wrong, this is the worst film I've seen since Little Black Book. Fuck this movie.

The Longest Yard - Another remake. At least Burt Reynolds was in this remake, because hey, who doesn't like Burt Reynolds? I guess Adam Sandler decided he wanted to make The Waterboy 2: Electric Boogaloo so the studio approached him with this to appease him. I admit, however, this film was fairly entertaining and there were actually multiple jokes and gags that I laughed at. Also this film has Nelly in it. Nelly. NELLY! Chris Rock continues his usual jokes of "You white people, you so crazy!" so if you like Chris Rock you'll like his jokes, and I do, so I liked his jokes. I actually enjoyed the fact it wasn't a shot for shot remake, it was more of a different person's vision of the same story, which is what I would prefer remakes to be. If I wanted to watch the original, I'd watch the original. I feel the same way about remakes as I do with cover songs, you're supposed to take the original and put your own spin on it, which is what this film did. Good on you, Pete Segal, Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds, Chris Rock, and NELLY!

Cinderella Man - Ron Howard creates another film about a wonderful American underdog. He really does know how to tug at the last few heart strings that are left of his target audience, the bored 80 year olds that hate these young whippersnappers with their films about monsters and space and boobs. I really dislike Renee Zellwegger, she always looks like her face is about to implode which makes it hard to discern whether she's happy and smiling or sad and crying. If you liked The Aviator or Seabiscuit this film follows the same formula so you'll probably like this. You'll probably love this film if you're in a nursing home and don't know what the hell the internet is.

War of the Worlds - I already wrote about this earlier, so scroll down if you want my opinion. I wish I could just loop the few segments of aliens kicking the crap out of stuff for an hour and 45 minutes and watch that.


So there you have it, if I forgot anything let me know. This is by far one of the worst summers for movies, ever. Anyway, I've caught up on everything and will continue to update with more superb reviews as I see the films and maybe start posting some album reviews because everyone likes music. Except for deaf people, they don't. Up next should be Rebound, which is sure to be a barrel full of jollies.