New, 5 minute movie reviews!

Family Guy: Stewie the Untold Story - Yes, this movie leaked onto the internet 2 months early, and I will admit to being privileged to a special advance screening which I will talk no more about. Anyway, the film starts out with multiple subplots none of which are all that important. Eventually, a main plot of Stewie searching for someone he believes is his "real father" is created and the film continues there, with occasional tangents to involve the other members of the family. If you were looking for humor reminiscent of the first two seasons of the show, you will probably be disappointed by this movie. While the current (fourth) season is not unfunny, it just doesn't have the same charm and humor as the first two seasons: these episodes seem to rely more on repeated jokes and cameos from past episodes. This film, does the same, however, it also has pointless cursing, at times it seems as if they're dropping the F-bomb solely to show that they can do it uncensored now. While the movie does have some incredibly funny jokes, it seems to just drag on after a while. It feels like they took the humor from a 25 minute episode, ran it through a taffy puller, and even though I am a man who loves his taffy, it just felt needlessly long and dragged on at points.

Bad News Bears - Through out history there have been some truly tragic events such as the genocide in Rwanda, the massacre in My Lai, Saved by the Bell: The College Years, and the Holocaust. I have read about and seen pictures of these horrible phenomenons, yet, eventually there has always been something to renew my faith in humanity. After watching this film, however, I felt like I had truly killed part of myself that I would never get back. It was as if I took a large chunk of what is "good" about people, molded it into a tiny, innocent puppy, left it on an island, let loose on the island with a hail of nuclear bombs and massive amounts of napalm, then when it was over, swam out to piss on the ashes. I should have trusted my first instincts and left 10 minutes into the movie, however, I am a masochist and stayed. Billy Bob Thornton once again plays himself in this movie, a dirty old drunken asshole, and is teamed up with a group of some of the worst child actors ever that I wouldn't mind running over in a semi while they were playing in a pile of leaves at the side of the road. I hate this movie with every fiber of my being and don't feel like writing anymore about it.

The Island - Michael Bay released another movie, this time with Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor. The movie, however, feels very similar to other sci-fi movies, such as Logan's Run, and apparently ripped off from another film, which you can read all about here: http://seattletimes.nwsourc...islandripoff.html. The film is fairly pleasing visually, and has plenty of people getting hit with blunt objects which made me laugh in the same way Final Destination 2 had me rolling on the ground at each death. Again, this felt to me like another movie that was trying to hit too many things at once, action, science-fiction, and a little bit of drama with some thoughts about ethics thrown in as well. On the Michael Bay scale I would throw this up there just below The Rock, however, in the end, it's a Michael Bay film and nothing that really got me excited. It might be worth seeing as this is possibly the last Michael Bay film we will see in the theaters for a while, hopefully, as the film had a budget of over $120 million and raked in just over $12 million opening weekend.

March Of The Penguins - If you like penguins, you will love this movie. If you do not like penguins, you will not like this movie. While watching the movie I felt like I was 5 years old again and seeing some of these animals for the first time and they are just as entertaining now as they were then. The truth is, I love penguins, so I loved this film. If I ever had enough money, I would raise a giant army of penguins and we would frolick around in the snow all day. Err...back the review. I felt like I was at home watching an extended documentary about penguins on an Animal Planet show, I didn't find the love story to be as compelling as many people did. The cinematography was excellent, especially considering the conditions the film was shot in, and some of the scenes, especially the first march of the penguins, are absolutely incredible. There were scenes, however, where you were left with nothing to look at besides two penguins standing next to each other doing nothing but touching beaks. I understand it's supposed to show love, I understand it's supposed to be romantic, however, I got just as fidgety after minutes of watching many similar shots as I would watching multiple shots of human couples standing around hugging. In the end, however, there were some hilarious moments and beautiful scenes and frankly, my desire to give a penguin a giant hug has never been stronger.

Hide And Seek - Oh good, Dakota Fanning is in this , I sure can't get enough of her. Anyway, De Niro plays a pyschologist who's wife kills herself so of course he decides the best thing for himself and his daughter (Fanning) who, by the way, is mentally unstable and visits a child psychologist (Famke Janssen), is to seclude themselves out in a house in the middle of a forest. Once they move, De Niro gets upset she's not making real friends out in the middle of bumfuck and she just plays with her imaginary friend Charlie. From there, De Niro starts trying to hook up with the recently divorced neighbor, which causes strange messages on the bathroom walls and creepy events. The movie ends up with what has, by now, become an extremely predictable, uninteresting, and cliche ending.