Stealth

Right now, I am still digesting what I just sat through, however, I felt the urge to write this while everything was fresh in my head. I walked into this movie expecting it to be one of the worst movies of the summer. I loathed the fact that W.D. Richter, the same man who wrote Invasion of the Body Snatchers and also Big Trouble In Little China (one of the greatest movies ever), wrote this film and then Rob Cohen, the creative genius behind The Fast and the Furious and also xXx, edited it to his own dim-witted taste.

If you don't believe me, here's a direct quote from Cohen himself:

I will say that I did 36 drafts of the screenplay after Richter, with other writers and by myself. Richter’s script was more what you would have expected–it was more like “Buckaroo Banzai.” It was filled with wackiness and computers singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and guys running around with their hair mussed while acting crazy. It was a fascinating read, I will say, but it would have been a non-emotional movie and more of a satire and I didn’t think this was a satire subject because it is real and it is coming. The question is, how do you convey that? If you go into “Dr. Strangelove” territory, that is interesting after the public knows there is a nuclear bomb. Kubrick did it because we already had twenty years of nuclear awareness–if Kubrick had tried to make that film in 1943, no one would have gotten it. No one would have believed it.

http://hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=1559

Sitting down in a theater with 4 other customers I was prepared for the worst, I was ready to cry, I was ready to swear, to hate myself for sitting there, however, I was determined to sit through this after all the bad-mouthing this film had received. As soon as the credits started, I began to realize what I was in for. As the film continued I just sat there, I couldn't truly believe what I was seeing and hearing. After about 3/4 of the film I was ready for the film to end, and then it happened. It's like the retarded kid at school who kicks you, bites you, spits on you, yells at you, harasses you, punches you, and then all of a sudden, he walks over and gives you a big dopey and apologizes. The film hit a soft spot with me, I'm not sure how, or why, but it did, and I burst out laughing. It was then that I realized the film had gone beyond my expectations of low and I was watching something "badass" just like AvP.

Despite ignoring all the laws of physics, despite the over-the-top explosions, noises, and digital effects, despite the ever-present blue and purple illuminated "computers," despite, the terrible dialogue, "Pardon my C-cup," despite the limitless annoyances this film had and despite absolutely every single thing in the movie being simply bad, I was enjoying myself. The only thing I can possibly think of that made me enjoy this film was that I realized I felt like I was 4 years old again and watching Short Circuit combined with a high-tech unrealistic version of Top Gun, but this time it was written so even a 4 year old could understand what was going on!

If you've read this far, you deserve a taste of what you're in for, so let me describe some of the scenes:
-Satellite views of the Earth, however, added for anyone that doesn't know their geography the borders and names of the countries are overlayed on top.
-Do you remember that killer movie Flight of the Navigator that was made in the 80s where a young boy flies a space ship around while the alien is basically a ball on a robotic arm that jokes with him and plays music? Imagine that exact scene, except with a grown man instead of a young boy, and the music is modern radio rock.
-Visuals on computer screens that look like they were stolen directly from the classic 90's movie Hackers.
-One female taking on the entire army of North Korea even after ejecting from her plane and getting shot in the arm. (Note: She has just been shot at by a large group of army personnel and decides to head to their base camp.)
-The plane downloading every mp3 ever. While that was comedy, for maximum effect they should have just said "Oh no, the ship just downloaded the internet."
-The army being scared that their automatic plane is flying into Russian air space, however, being perfectly okay with their human pilots shooting down multiple Russian planes, coating an entire village located in Tajikstan in nuclear fallout killing everyone, and killing lots of North Koreans.

I don't know why but for some reason when the airplane makes a joke about 3/4 of the way through, "he had nothing more to say," I decided that I liked this movie a lot more than a good majority of the movies I've seen this summer. I wanted to hate this movie so much, I wanted it to end the careers of everyone involved (except Jamie Foxx), but I just couldn't. It was just so blatant about ignoring all sense of realism and care-free about everything every decent filmmaker is so meticulous with that I can't help but smile when I think about it. I guess it's similar to the way I enjoy Wesley Willis, the fact he doesn't care about a goddamn thing and does exactly what he wants to do.

Also, Ebert's review for this film is hysterical and an absolute must read: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/...REVIEWS/50713001

In the end, I'm giving this movie a worthy rating of George of the Jungle/Dudley Do-Right ( *1/2 ) but I believe that upon a second viewing I might have some sense knocked into me.