3 minute reviews

Skeleton Key - I was told when I went to see that this film was not very good but the ending was pretty nifty. All I had heard from commercials was that this film had the biggest twist ending that would bend my mind in 18 different directions until blood dripped from my eyes, ears, and nostrils. This didn't impress me much, because I can bang out a horribly crappy horror movie in 5 minutes with an ending that doesn't make any sense and could be labelled a "twist." Instead, what I received, was a mediocre thriller film that was pretty good compared to my recent film expeditions and an end that was fairly predictable. I'm sure there are plenty of 13 year old kids running around saying "Holy crap I did NOT see that coming, what an ending, that was the coolest thing ever!" whereas halfway through I thought "Well, it's going to be one of these two outcomes and each second brings me closer to knowing what is going to happen and I don't really care anymore because there's no way this will end well."

Red Eye - This is the first Wes Craven movie I enjoyed since Nightmare on Elm Street, however, I think it was due more to the fact that Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams were the stars of this film and Brian Cox made brief appearances. Again, this film was less a horror film and more a thriller since the story is about Cillian Murphy trying to pyschologically manipulate Rachel McAdams into doing his evil biddings. It seems like Wes got 3/4 of the way through this movie, then said "Let's see if I can sell it to the studio with a giant question mark for the last 1/4 of the movie, I like improvising!" Then when they were on set and shooting they got to the end of the writing and he said "Guys, I'm kind of tired, let's just end this." I felt kind of let down like there should've been another half hour of craziness that goes on. The film held my attention pretty well and sadly, was one of the better movies I've seen in a while.

Broken Flowers - I did not like the movie Coffee and Cigarettes even though it had some of my idols in it and hearing that this movie wasn't all that good was a let down, as I expected the combination of Jim Jarmusch and Bill Murray to be exceptional. Anyway, I wish I was better at praising films because I could write longer reviews, instead all I can say is that this film was really well done and had some incredibly funny scenes that made me think Jim Jarmusch had Bill Murray in mind while writing this film. The ending is expected, however, it fits wonderfully in with the film. In the historic words of Kevin Neville, "Broken Flowers is a good movie."

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - This film is not worthy of a review, my effort, or my time, because frankly it would aggrivate me too much to attempt writing a real review. In fact, I don't think this is actually a film at all, rather it is a random selection of scenes Rob Schneider thought up thinking "Whoah, this is hilarious!" or else "I bet this'll make the audience gag!" There aren't words in my vocabulary that could even begin to describe the absolute abomination this film is, instead I'll let Roger Ebert do it for me. Here's just part of his review:

The movie created a spot of controversy last February. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.

Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks.

But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby" "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways," and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

The full Ebert review.