Proof that there is a god!

While talks of Garfield 2 were enough to make me believe that either God does not exist, God hates film, or God hates people, seeing this today began to restore my faith that he does have some taste.



Yes, this is celebrating me caving and buying King Arthur on DVD today.

ps.

QED

3 minute reviews

Skeleton Key - I was told when I went to see that this film was not very good but the ending was pretty nifty. All I had heard from commercials was that this film had the biggest twist ending that would bend my mind in 18 different directions until blood dripped from my eyes, ears, and nostrils. This didn't impress me much, because I can bang out a horribly crappy horror movie in 5 minutes with an ending that doesn't make any sense and could be labelled a "twist." Instead, what I received, was a mediocre thriller film that was pretty good compared to my recent film expeditions and an end that was fairly predictable. I'm sure there are plenty of 13 year old kids running around saying "Holy crap I did NOT see that coming, what an ending, that was the coolest thing ever!" whereas halfway through I thought "Well, it's going to be one of these two outcomes and each second brings me closer to knowing what is going to happen and I don't really care anymore because there's no way this will end well."

Red Eye - This is the first Wes Craven movie I enjoyed since Nightmare on Elm Street, however, I think it was due more to the fact that Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams were the stars of this film and Brian Cox made brief appearances. Again, this film was less a horror film and more a thriller since the story is about Cillian Murphy trying to pyschologically manipulate Rachel McAdams into doing his evil biddings. It seems like Wes got 3/4 of the way through this movie, then said "Let's see if I can sell it to the studio with a giant question mark for the last 1/4 of the movie, I like improvising!" Then when they were on set and shooting they got to the end of the writing and he said "Guys, I'm kind of tired, let's just end this." I felt kind of let down like there should've been another half hour of craziness that goes on. The film held my attention pretty well and sadly, was one of the better movies I've seen in a while.

Broken Flowers - I did not like the movie Coffee and Cigarettes even though it had some of my idols in it and hearing that this movie wasn't all that good was a let down, as I expected the combination of Jim Jarmusch and Bill Murray to be exceptional. Anyway, I wish I was better at praising films because I could write longer reviews, instead all I can say is that this film was really well done and had some incredibly funny scenes that made me think Jim Jarmusch had Bill Murray in mind while writing this film. The ending is expected, however, it fits wonderfully in with the film. In the historic words of Kevin Neville, "Broken Flowers is a good movie."

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - This film is not worthy of a review, my effort, or my time, because frankly it would aggrivate me too much to attempt writing a real review. In fact, I don't think this is actually a film at all, rather it is a random selection of scenes Rob Schneider thought up thinking "Whoah, this is hilarious!" or else "I bet this'll make the audience gag!" There aren't words in my vocabulary that could even begin to describe the absolute abomination this film is, instead I'll let Roger Ebert do it for me. Here's just part of his review:

The movie created a spot of controversy last February. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.

Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks.

But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby" "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways," and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

The full Ebert review.

The Dukes of Hazzard

The Dukes of Hazzard - When Sean William Scott is the best actor you have in your film, you know you're in trouble. To begin, let's take a look at the cast for this remake.

Bad ideas for casting:
-Johnny Knoxville as Luke Duke - Not an actor, became famous by hurting himself on MTV's Jackass
-Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke - Not an actor, famous pop-star singer known for being rather ignorant.
-Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg - Famous actor from the 60's and 70's that should've stopped acting long ago while he was ahead.
-Willie Nelson as Uncle Jesse - Famous country musician that has been in many movies, but should've stuck to music.
-a whole bunch of Broken Lizard guys which shouldn't have tried to continue on after Super Troopers.

Good ideas for casting:
-Sean William Scott as Bo Duke - Actor who rose to stardom by landing roles in teen comedies, mainly the American Pie series.

As you can see, the casting for this was not well thought out and the film tried banking on big names and fans of the TV show to gain their money. This was pretty obvious, as the film was absolutely terrible and no one would possibly like it for anything besides having a crush on one of the stars or just because they're a die-hard fan of the TV show.

The simple plot of this film involves Boss Hogg trying to buy the land of Hazzard county so he can strip mine it and make some cash. In order to get his strip mining ordinance passed he tries to draw everyone's attention to the big race held in Hazzard county, and once the Dukes find out about this they are determined to thwart his efforts.

This movie was easily one of the hardest films to sit through of the summer, I was struggling to stay in my seat at the half hour mark. While I was a fan of Super Troopers, I despised Club Dread, and unfortunately what you get more of in this film are jokes and gags similar to those in Club Dread. Often there were scenes that were completely random so that the director could try and squeeze another joke in, however, when the joke was told all that was received from the audience was complete silence. The jokes were just painful to listen to and often I would hear a line from one of the actors and literally have to ask my friend sitting next to me "Was that a joke or what?" and in return all I would get is a confused stare and shrug. I am not able to type more negative things about this movie because frankly my mind shutdown at the 45 minute mark and I've been trying to erase the few things I do remember about this movie from my memory.

There was one saving grace, and perhaps it's the midwest redneck in me trying to break out, the concept of the American rebel or cowboy, or simply the car lover in me, but I did actually enjoy a few of the driving scenes. The music in the film was chosen rather brilliantly, as most of it is good, down-south shit-kickin' dixie anthems perfect for speeding down a dirt road winding through a forest with rocks and dust spewing everywhere behind your '69 Charger. Something about the pure southern wildboy aspect of it tugged at some small part of me I never new I had, but I guess it's similar to the feeling I get while watching a worthwhile film like Vanishing Point or Bullitt. In the end when I left the theater, even after all the nonexistant humor and despicable dialogue, I did feel like hopping in a solid, American muscle car, blasting some Allman Brothers or Lynyrd Skynyrd, and celebrating all things redneck by speeding all over.

Luckily for me, this show was not a part of my childhood and therefor no memories or nostalgia to destroy. From what I have seen or heard about the show, I expect many, many people to be upset that this piece of trash is even associated with the original series. This summer is the summer of Hollywood cashing in on remakes and sequels, and this is a perfect example of what happens when people that don't care at all about making a good movie create a movie solely for capitalizing on a name. Hopefully, after this, Broken Lizard's movie making days will finally be over.

The Great Raid - The raid was rather great, but the movie...not so much.

The Great Raid - The Great Raid tells the true story of 500 POWs that survived the Bataan Death March that were held in the Cabanatuan Japanese POW camp and the incredibly daring rescue of these POWs.

The film begins with a brief history lesson describing the circumstances surrounding the Bataan Death March and how this group of 500 prisoners arrived at this camp. The film then skips between a love story subplot of nurse Margaret Utinsky (Connie Nielsen) and some other guy that's a POW in the camp that I can't remember right now because frankly I didn't care in the slightest about him or her. The film could've easily been edited down to around half an hour, starting at day 4 and showing a few brief shots of the preperation and planning for the raid, and then the actual execution of it.

I was bored out of my socks while watching this nurse smuggling in medicine to these POWs, sure what she was doing was noble, however, I am sure there are many, many more real-life tales of people equally as deserving of a film being made about them. Her lost-love army guy that was being held in the camp was even less interesting, as basically the audience sits there and watches him get sicker and sicker until he decides to write one of the cheesiest, sappiest letters I've seen in recent films that even made me laugh. The film would have been much more interesting if John Dahl kept the film focusing on the group of rangers that this task was assigned to, however, Hollywood films are nothing without a love story so of course this film needed one. What was even worse about this love story was that in the end, it wasn't all that moving and once you get to the end of the film, you realize it was completely pointless.

A good portion of the scenes at the camp were somewhat moving, however, there was nothing that hadn't been done much more emotional in other stories and films I had seen or read earlier, such as the scene where during a line of executions, one prisoner kneeling down is waiting to be executed while the guard takes his time reloading his gun. Yes, hearing stories like this the first two hundred times wrenched my guts a bit, but now, perhaps it's because I've been desensitized, or perhaps it's because there are much more inhumane and evil stories to be told that would make for a much more moving film, I didn't find it all that devastating or emotional. I suppose to some people this will be an eye-opening experience because, surprise! The Nazis weren't the first and only people in the world to torture their enemies in sinister ways, through out history war is littered with stories that would make your stomach turn that many people never hear about.

The planning for the actual raid was one of the most mind-numbing things I have ever watched in my life. Besides explaining everything down to the most minute detail in a scene that felt like watching a "How To" video, you actually get to see the captain drawing pictures in the dirt for everyone. While in some war films this would be very helpful as when the camera is shaking during the action, lights are flashing, and everything is blowing up it would give you a sense of what is going on, in this film it should've been left out completely. The raid itself was shot very well. There was not one point in time during the action where was I confused about what was happening, which group was doing what, or where in relation to the prisoners the camera was; it was possibly one of the most easy to follow war segments I've ever seen in a war film and it was the only real enjoyable part of the film.

Overall, I was extremely disappointed by this film. A lot of time is focused on a wasted love story, slightly below average prison camp sequences that didn't engage my emotions at all, and banal scenes involving planning the so-called "great raid." While the actual story of the rescue is fairly fascinating and every person involved should be commended and has my highest respect, this film does not do them justice. If you're itching to see a war film this summer, head to your local Wal-Mart and just pick up a copy of Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now, or The Great Escape on DVD.

Sky High - A live-action version of The Incredibles or one of the best superhero movies to come out recently?

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Sky High - The story begins with Will Stronghold (Michael Angarano) heading to his first day of high school at Sky High, his parents' alma mater. Sky High is no ordinary high school, however, because Will's parents, The Commander (Kurt Russell) and Jetstream (Kelly Preston), are the greatest superheroes in the world. Will is nervous about attending school because he has not fully developed his powers, and when this is discovered he is sent to the sidekick, ahem, excuse me, "hero support" classes. Will battles the standard conflicts of popularity and cliquest faced at most high schools, a run in with the school rebel, Warren Peace (Steven Strait), which leads to him discovering his super strength, and a mixed up relationship with Gwen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), the school super smart hottie which makes his best friend Layla (Danielle Panabaker) jealous. Gwen turns out to be the antichrist, I mean, a former nemesis of The Commander and ends up carrying out her plan to capture all the superheroes and destroy their school. The story then continues with the kids in the "hero support" class breaking out of their subordinate class and trying to save everyone.

I had no idea what to expect from this film except that there were lots of random celebrities playing minor roles such as Bruce Campbell playing Coach Boomer, Lynda Carter playing Principal Powers, Dave Foley as Mr. Boy, and Kevin McDonald portraying Mr. Medulla. I knew this would be required viewing solely for the Bruce Campbell scenes, so in I went. I was extremely surprised as the film began, I was impressed with the way the film did not take itself seriously at all and immediately showed me that I was not here to watch fancy special effects or watch any highly dramatic situations. With cheesy effects and small jabs at classic superhero cliches, I was in the mood for a fun, light-hearted film. The film was much funnier than I expected, I figured the jokes would be funny only to the target audience, very young children, however, I found myself laughing at many of the gags and situations. There was plenty of action to keep me entertained and alongside the cheesy visual effects, there were some fun scenes involving kids using their special powers.

For me, easily the most likeable thing about this movie was the character of Warren Peace. Warren Peace is the classic long-haired loner in the school who minds his own business unless you get on his bad side, in which case he will shoot fireballs at you. Not only does he have the best name of any character in the film, but he had the best superpower as well. This coupled with his dark, recluse attitude at school and outgoing, philosophizing manner while waiting tables in a Chinese restaurant for his job not only confused me, but made me not care because this was a perfect example of a stereotype of the badass with a heart of gold.

Once again, like Stealth, this film made me feel like I was watching a few other movies just combined into one. I wasn't sure what to expect from the writers that work on Kim Possible but what I got was a blend of Harry Potter and The Incredibles. While it had very similar events from both stories, it varied it enough to make it entertaining to watch and I'd recommend this film to fans of either of the previously mentioned films.

At the end of the film, however, I had something bothering me which I couldn't quite put my finger on until today when Mr. Majewski was kind enough to put it into words and put my mind at ease without even knowing it. He said that at the end he was thinking "Well, ok, this is cool, now what happens? You need to make a sequel!" That's exactly how I felt, I felt like I'd really like to see a continuation of this story, they probably could've stretched this film out into a couple episodes, similar to the way the Harry Potter stories are told, however, I'm not sure if Sky High 2: The College Years sounds like a good idea, especially after seeing the outcome of Saved By The Bell.

Anyway, if you're looking for a fun film to take your kids to this summer that won't make you want to drive a chainsaw straight through your forehead, finally that film has come. While not quite as enjoyable as The Incredibles, it certainly did an excellent job making sure that while children would be mesmerized by the kids on screen stretching out, shooting lasers, and freezing people, adults would have a trip back to their youth watching giant robots attack a poorly done model while viewing some of the cheesiest flying effects seen in recent years.

Must Love Dogs

When I first saw the title of a new movie coming out called Must Love Dogs I laughed until my pants hurt, and then laughed a little bit more. I was expecting the most horrendous, incredibly bad film ever with the lead role being an animal, I imagined a film along the lines of Air Bud or Soccer Dog: The Movie but with a horrible love story thrown in. Upon further reading, however, I discovered John Cusack was billed to star in this film.

I have had a special spot in my list of favorite actors reserved for John Cusack ever since the killer 80's film Better Off Dead (the film has a hamburger rocking some Van Halen on guitar!), and also the Cameron Crowe staple Say Anything. He truly is an incredible actor, and right about now you're asking me why I made that statement and how I can actually believe it. Well, it's because John Cusack's acting range is about the same as the acting range of a cheeseburger. He plays one character in every single film he's in, and that character is John Cusack. He's actually very similar to Billy Bob Thornton in that respect. He does, however, play this character incredibly well and the character is quite fetching, unlike Billy Bob. In spite of this slight flaw, if you want to call it that, his career has continued to blossom and he has made the same romantic comedy 8 or 9 times now and people seem to be completely oblivious that they're spending their time and money watching a movie they've already seen multiple times. For some reason, I can't bring myself to dislike the guy. Perhaps it's the way he manages to wear a Ramones shirt as much as possible to show how he's totally a laid back guy but knows how to rock, or perhaps it's the fact that he seems like the guy you'd sit down with and chat over a beer or two at the local pub.

Thanks to this special little love of John Cusack, I immediately labelled the film as THE romantic comedy of the summer everyone must see. When I saw the poster hung up with a giant black dog with it's tongue lolling out in the middle of John Cusack looking like John Cusack and Diane Lane looking like the typical female interest in a romantic comedy, I was excited and my expectations were set.

The film starts by characterizing the two as heartbroken fourty-something-year olds somewhat given up on the whole idea of finding someone new ("benched"). Their friends refuse to let them wallow in self-pity and find them dates online, and eventually they hook up together thanks to John Cusack being so charming and captivating. After a brief romance, the sleazebag interloper played by Dermot Mulroney comes in to mess everything up. There was not one point in the film where even the tiniest thought of "Oh no, John Cusack maybe you can't win them all" came up since the film continually bludgeons you over the head with how much of a jackass Mulroney's character is and how John Cusack is made for Mrs. Lane. Also, there's a sub-plot about her widowed father dating three women at once that, which in the end, might've possibly made for a more interesting story, however, I was satisfied with what I received. That's really all that needs to be said about the movie, the whole thing can be summed up that easily.

The film is absolutely as formulaic, cliche, sappy, and lovable as I expected. This is one of the few romantic comedies where there are some genuinely funny jokes through out the film that had me laughing out loud. The only twist, if you'd like to call it that, on the romantic comedy storyline is that both of these characters are slightly older and have been divorced. That's it.

I loved the way John Cusack had an awesome apartment/loft place to live, even after being divorced and running his own failing business. I loved the way John Cusack poured his heart out to an old man with an Irish accent solely because the man mentioned he liked one of his boats. I enjoyed how Diane Lane should have had no reason to interact with this guy after all the crap she had been through but for some reason she picked this guy to give a shot. Oh by the way, there is another twist, Diane Lane has a large family that meddles in her love life, it's not just her friends. And her butcher meddles in her love life. And she babysits her brother's dog named "Mother Theresa" a lot so I guess that means she loves dogs.

In the end, I was not disappointed in the slightest by this film, I knew what I should be expecting, and received exactly that, added with some great jokes and funny segments involving pets.

Stealth

Right now, I am still digesting what I just sat through, however, I felt the urge to write this while everything was fresh in my head. I walked into this movie expecting it to be one of the worst movies of the summer. I loathed the fact that W.D. Richter, the same man who wrote Invasion of the Body Snatchers and also Big Trouble In Little China (one of the greatest movies ever), wrote this film and then Rob Cohen, the creative genius behind The Fast and the Furious and also xXx, edited it to his own dim-witted taste.

If you don't believe me, here's a direct quote from Cohen himself:

I will say that I did 36 drafts of the screenplay after Richter, with other writers and by myself. Richter’s script was more what you would have expected–it was more like “Buckaroo Banzai.” It was filled with wackiness and computers singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and guys running around with their hair mussed while acting crazy. It was a fascinating read, I will say, but it would have been a non-emotional movie and more of a satire and I didn’t think this was a satire subject because it is real and it is coming. The question is, how do you convey that? If you go into “Dr. Strangelove” territory, that is interesting after the public knows there is a nuclear bomb. Kubrick did it because we already had twenty years of nuclear awareness–if Kubrick had tried to make that film in 1943, no one would have gotten it. No one would have believed it.

http://hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=1559

Sitting down in a theater with 4 other customers I was prepared for the worst, I was ready to cry, I was ready to swear, to hate myself for sitting there, however, I was determined to sit through this after all the bad-mouthing this film had received. As soon as the credits started, I began to realize what I was in for. As the film continued I just sat there, I couldn't truly believe what I was seeing and hearing. After about 3/4 of the film I was ready for the film to end, and then it happened. It's like the retarded kid at school who kicks you, bites you, spits on you, yells at you, harasses you, punches you, and then all of a sudden, he walks over and gives you a big dopey and apologizes. The film hit a soft spot with me, I'm not sure how, or why, but it did, and I burst out laughing. It was then that I realized the film had gone beyond my expectations of low and I was watching something "badass" just like AvP.

Despite ignoring all the laws of physics, despite the over-the-top explosions, noises, and digital effects, despite the ever-present blue and purple illuminated "computers," despite, the terrible dialogue, "Pardon my C-cup," despite the limitless annoyances this film had and despite absolutely every single thing in the movie being simply bad, I was enjoying myself. The only thing I can possibly think of that made me enjoy this film was that I realized I felt like I was 4 years old again and watching Short Circuit combined with a high-tech unrealistic version of Top Gun, but this time it was written so even a 4 year old could understand what was going on!

If you've read this far, you deserve a taste of what you're in for, so let me describe some of the scenes:
-Satellite views of the Earth, however, added for anyone that doesn't know their geography the borders and names of the countries are overlayed on top.
-Do you remember that killer movie Flight of the Navigator that was made in the 80s where a young boy flies a space ship around while the alien is basically a ball on a robotic arm that jokes with him and plays music? Imagine that exact scene, except with a grown man instead of a young boy, and the music is modern radio rock.
-Visuals on computer screens that look like they were stolen directly from the classic 90's movie Hackers.
-One female taking on the entire army of North Korea even after ejecting from her plane and getting shot in the arm. (Note: She has just been shot at by a large group of army personnel and decides to head to their base camp.)
-The plane downloading every mp3 ever. While that was comedy, for maximum effect they should have just said "Oh no, the ship just downloaded the internet."
-The army being scared that their automatic plane is flying into Russian air space, however, being perfectly okay with their human pilots shooting down multiple Russian planes, coating an entire village located in Tajikstan in nuclear fallout killing everyone, and killing lots of North Koreans.

I don't know why but for some reason when the airplane makes a joke about 3/4 of the way through, "he had nothing more to say," I decided that I liked this movie a lot more than a good majority of the movies I've seen this summer. I wanted to hate this movie so much, I wanted it to end the careers of everyone involved (except Jamie Foxx), but I just couldn't. It was just so blatant about ignoring all sense of realism and care-free about everything every decent filmmaker is so meticulous with that I can't help but smile when I think about it. I guess it's similar to the way I enjoy Wesley Willis, the fact he doesn't care about a goddamn thing and does exactly what he wants to do.

Also, Ebert's review for this film is hysterical and an absolute must read: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/...REVIEWS/50713001

In the end, I'm giving this movie a worthy rating of George of the Jungle/Dudley Do-Right ( *1/2 ) but I believe that upon a second viewing I might have some sense knocked into me.